The older I get, the more keenly aware I become of my own weakness, need, and inability to be faithful to Jesus even for one day. Yet the more I also become aware that He is keeping me, cherishing me (despite all my moment-by-moment failures), and tethering me to Himself by helping me understand these things. I am not afraid of my own poverty because I understand His affection for me isn’t contingent upon my performance or competence.
Comprehending my own weakness and inability releases me to depend upon His sufficiency, His faithfulness, and His compassionate, unwavering love. I often find myself in this ethereal space between earth and heaven, wondering at the lavishness of Grace that empowers me to be free of myself, of my own independence, accolades, accomplishments, and truly, deeply know that anything I have accomplished is due to His power at work in me, and everything I haven’t accomplished (and should have) is covered by grace.
There is a deep emotion that is somewhat inexplainable (it is part grief, joy, peace, affection, freedom, gratitude and just simply a desire to uncontrollably weep) that is stirred up within me when I remember it is not only that He saved me when I was a loathsome wretch, but that He continues to love me while I am continuously dividing my attention between Him and ten thousand other things, when I am choosing my own pleasures over bringing Him and others delight, when I am fretting over things that are only temporal though I live in a Kingdom that’s eternal.
Yet I open the Word or close my eyes, and remember that I am completely enveloped in His embrace. And that each of us live in this reality, but He has chosen to gift me with an understanding of my own frailty, so that should I accomplish anything great I will immediately know it was not because I am worthy of the honor, but because the God who is worthy of all honor has bestowed it on spiritual beggars such as myself.
May He grant this grace and freedom to us all!